Summer Self-Lovin'

Recently, I've gotten the chance to get reacquainted with the little girl inside of me. A girl who spent hours in the basement building forts and listening to Fine Young Cannibals and Rainbow Brite on cassette tape. She had an imaginary friend named Kate and, as far as friends were concerned, Kate was enough to get by. More than Kate meant having to split toys evenly, which never ended well.

Who could have predicted that this imaginative girl could grow up into the type of woman she would never understand? The grown up version could be lazy, uninspired, and hesitant. Worst of all, she was so influenced by the masses that, at the end of the day, she had no energy left for catching lightning bugs.

The self-sufficient girl was, I guess, outgrown in middle school. I got over whatever it was I found fascinating within myself and started looking to others for example. What were the pretty girls wearing? Who was eating at the popular lunch table? What was Natalie telling Jessica about who Michael had a crush on? Ohhh, I wanted to be in on it. I wanted it to be me.

I continued on through awkward middle school years, dropping out of band because I didn't want to be "seen" as a music nerd, even though I was good at it. I stopped playing tennis because I had gotten to a higher level than my friends -- which meant Id have to go off on my own and take things seriously. Instead of becoming a tennis junkie that no one could relate to, I picked up soccer on a whim. After all, it was a team sport and I would always have someone to to socialize with -- even if it was on the sidelines.

The pattern continued -- highschool, college sorority life (don't even get me started), then the real world -- and then??

It took me until about a year ago to pick up on the bad behavior. How I always substituted validation from others for actual self worth. I came back to Atlanta from LA, breaking up with a truly wonderful guy who loved me for four unfaultering years. At 23 years old, I had finally stepped back to look at the reflection and found nothing I could be proud of. Yes, I had a great boyfriend and an easy life in that regard, but it didn't mean anything unless I had something that defined me on my own. I wanted to do something with my life that I enjoyed. Writing and getting to be creative was what, at the end of the day, always filled me from the inside in.

So I finally re-steered myself onto the right road. But looking back on it, I most recently hit an obstacle. While I should have been more focused on school and what that entailed, I switched gears to focus on always being around a guy, always wanting something for US to do. It was fun and exciting but here I was back in my pattern, and unwittingly, losing what little I had gained.

A few weeks ago, that chapter came to an end (as chapters tend to do) and I was left feeling like someone had scooped out my insides -- leaving nothing but a drafty midsection and the awkward sensation that something big was missing. Not only had he moved out and moved on to new adventures, but with him, he had taken so much of what I had put into the last year -- my time, energy, emotions. I had unwittingly given them all to him. It was so goddamn frustrating because I had no one to blame but myself. And no one to commiserate with me but me.

So, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I met up with that little girl I used to know from our years in fort construction. As the days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into lonely weekends, I found that I actually enjoyed quiet time. There were nights spent desperately wondering what I would do because I was so alone but that gave me a reason to find little projects, self-improvements. It was a slow, rejuvenating therapy administered by the child with the side ponytail. As part of treatment, she had me listen to cheesy music, dance and sing at the top of my lungs. I started working out hard to push myself again, to rebuild and, not to just to go through the motions on a social level. I felt BETTER than I had in ages, just from a few weeks alone. I started to realize that maybe the type of girl I had always wanted to be was someone I already was -- she just never really got a chance to strut her stuff.

So here's to long-awaited reunions with old friends that turn out to be your best. To the lessons in life that truly are all learned in kindergarten. Maybe its just taken this many years to finally slow down into an uncongested, traffic-free road with no distractions. Just me, my thoughts, and a rear-view mirror in case. There's still a lot of terrain to figure out. But whatever comes, I guess it'll be quite a fun adventure -- as it seems I've lucked-out with a pretty kick-ass navigator.