This is my short (albeit, growing) list of Menswear Do's and Dont's. The more I rotate around the working world of Midtown - from buttoned-up lawyers, to street-side preachers, gym-goers, and graphic designers - I've found there's quite an array of DON'Ts worth noting. Let's start with one I just saw on my coffee break.
#1
NERDS GONE WILD.
What, young working man, does this say to you in the mirror? "Can Corporate America hold THIS wild card down? Gosh, no! See these short sleeves? I live on the edge of the mainstream! Sometimes I even wear sandals to work. That's right, WITHOUT socks."
There's only one way to make this offense more "yeeeeesh"-inducing: DENIM.
As I see it, when it comes to mens' wear, may blue canvas be kept to the leg region only.
#2
I'M SO DARK, I MIGHT AS WELL GET DRESSED IN IT.
Yeah, I get it. You're dark. And dangerous. And angry at the world. How do I know this? From the factory-designed, mass-produced, band-worship you advertise on your chest. Rock ON.
#4
ACCESSORIZE MY DOUCHE
It doesn't matter if we're talking one single sentiment (above) or a Flava Flavarray of bling, (the mess below)
Either way you pile it on, we're still talking about the levels of douche-baggery you display.
#5
LETTING THE MAN-PUPPIES OUT TO PLAY.
Exposed chest hair will never be the male equivalent of exposed cleavage. Do you think it makes you sexy? Because it's really just nasty. And not like, as in dirty talk nasty. I just mean unsightly nasty.
#6
IS IT COLD IN HERE? OR IS IT JUST MY ARMS?
I think Dimitri Martin put it best when he said the only thing a sweater vest protects you from is pretty girls. That and really narrow cold fronts.
#7
SHIELDING MYSELF FROM STRANGLERS
I've yet to see a man in a turtleneck that came remotely close to sexy. Unless you're Mike Myers as Sprockets on SNL. And, wait a second... that wasn't sexy either.
And what could be possible worse than a man's turtleneck? (Sorry Steve)
Worse than a full-on terrible is the halfway attempt at terrible. (aka, the mock turtle neck). If you don't want to expose your neck, please oh please just wear a scarf instead. Or shit, I'd even prefer you pop your collar.
#8
HOLLA HOLLA FOR MY POPPED COLLA.
No, wait. You'd still be a douchenozzle. Just in more company. Sorry for lying to you back there.
#9
QUICK-DRAW MCPRICK.
Just....Stop it.
#10
THE SWISHY-SWISH-SWEATSUITER.
Absolutely not. Not unless you've just come off the field of a professional athletic endeavor (like this pretty man wishes me to believe).
#11
"ASSHOLE, WHERE ARE YOU? HAS ANYONE SEEN AN ASSHOLE?"
Again, I'll agree with Dimitri on this one: these pants do not camouflage you. They only make it easier to spot you, the asshole, in a crowd.
#12
JUST GO AHEAD AND POKE MY EYES OUT.
Men's hair dye AND/OR Men's hair product: should never be made for men. Stop sculpting your head, grab some tools, and go build something semi-manly, please.
(Case in point: I went on ONE (!!!) date with a guy who admitted to buying a $200 straightening iron. A price even I would never pay for a primping tool. How disappointing for an attractive, intelligent guy to admit to that level of vanity. Needless to say I ended the conversation abruptly, paid for my own meal and never answered a call from him again. But not, of course, before I got a chance to question his sexual preference over casual margaritas.
So, as long as I keep meeting men worth making fun of, I'll have reason to continue this post.
(stay tuned...)
