Whoa, man.

I have time to kill this afternoon at work (perhaps a calm before another Stein Mart storm). So I'll share with you kindred bored souls (the tens of thousands of you that have been left without a post for oh-so-very long) what has been collecting in the back of my brain.

This is my short (albeit, growing) list of Menswear Do's and Dont's. The more I rotate around the working world of Midtown - from buttoned-up lawyers, to street-side preachers, gym-goers, and graphic designers - I've found there's quite an array of DON'Ts worth noting. Let's start with one I just saw on my coffee break.

#1
NERDS GONE WILD.

What, young working man, does this say to you in the mirror? "Can Corporate America hold THIS wild card down? Gosh, no! See these short sleeves? I live on the edge of the mainstream! Sometimes I even wear sandals to work. That's right, WITHOUT socks."
There's only one way to make this offense more "yeeeeesh"-inducing: DENIM.

As I see it, when it comes to mens' wear, may blue canvas be kept to the leg region only.

#2
I'M SO DARK, I MIGHT AS WELL GET DRESSED IN IT.

Yeah, I get it. You're dark. And dangerous. And angry at the world. How do I know this? From the factory-designed, mass-produced, band-worship you advertise on your chest. Rock ON.

#4
ACCESSORIZE MY DOUCHE

It doesn't matter if we're talking one single sentiment (above) or a Flava Flavarray of bling, (the mess below)

Either way you pile it on, we're still talking about the levels of douche-baggery you display.

#5
LETTING THE MAN-PUPPIES OUT TO PLAY.
Exposed chest hair will never be the male equivalent of exposed cleavage. Do you think it makes you sexy? Because it's really just nasty. And not like, as in dirty talk nasty. I just mean unsightly nasty.



#6
IS IT COLD IN HERE? OR IS IT JUST MY ARMS?

I think Dimitri Martin put it best when he said the only thing a sweater vest protects you from is pretty girls. That and really narrow cold fronts.


#7
SHIELDING MYSELF FROM STRANGLERS

I've yet to see a man in a turtleneck that came remotely close to sexy. Unless you're Mike Myers as Sprockets on SNL. And, wait a second... that wasn't sexy either.

And what could be possible worse than a man's turtleneck? (Sorry Steve)

Worse than a full-on terrible is the halfway attempt at terrible. (aka, the mock turtle neck). If you don't want to expose your neck, please oh please just wear a scarf instead. Or shit, I'd even prefer you pop your collar.

#8
HOLLA HOLLA FOR MY POPPED COLLA.

No, wait. You'd still be a douchenozzle. Just in more company. Sorry for lying to you back there.

#9
QUICK-DRAW MCPRICK.

Just....Stop it.

#10
THE SWISHY-SWISH-SWEATSUITER.

Absolutely not. Not unless you've just come off the field of a professional athletic endeavor (like this pretty man wishes me to believe).

#11
"ASSHOLE, WHERE ARE YOU? HAS ANYONE SEEN AN ASSHOLE?"

Again, I'll agree with Dimitri on this one: these pants do not camouflage you. They only make it easier to spot you, the asshole, in a crowd.

#12
JUST GO AHEAD AND POKE MY EYES OUT.

Men's hair dye AND/OR Men's hair product: should never be made for men. Stop sculpting your head, grab some tools, and go build something semi-manly, please.

(Case in point: I went on ONE (!!!) date with a guy who admitted to buying a $200 straightening iron. A price even I would never pay for a primping tool. How disappointing for an attractive, intelligent guy to admit to that level of vanity. Needless to say I ended the conversation abruptly, paid for my own meal and never answered a call from him again. But not, of course, before I got a chance to question his sexual preference over casual margaritas.

So, as long as I keep meeting men worth making fun of, I'll have reason to continue this post.
(stay tuned...)

Adding up insult and injury

I know this is probably just a ranting pot calling a kettle black, but, in any case, I have to throw it out there:

What's up with dudes and unrelenting sarcasm?

The more I hear people rely on it to be funny, the more I realize it's like the butt-ugly runt of the humor family. And when used as a go-to for the easy joke, it can quickly escalate from tolerable to an alarming level of poke-your-own-eye-out annoying.

Sure, some people can totally own it. Say, a Jon Stewart or a Stephen Colbert (both of whom I obviously adore). But, for most, it's a deceivingly tricky weapon -- one that should be handled with care, one that can easily be misfired, and one that should always be followed by something pleasant to soften the blow.

Because seriously, there is a fine line between making "fun" of a person and straight up injuring one with a blunt-edged insult. It's fine when your target is your own self, but when you're poking at someone else's soft spot, it's a dangerous tool of rhetoric I prefer to keep a safety on.

The most ironic thing about this kind of sarcasm is that it always seems to come from the most insecure guys. Like the flimsy shield used to deflect from their own shortcomings. (wink, wink. jab, jab.)

Yeah, I get it, Mr. Funny Guy. And I'll dish it back all day if that's the way you want to steer this bitch. But let's just take a look at what's most likely guiding your weak attempts at wit -- and I bet it has something to do with what's lacking in your pants.

That's right, I'll say it again: you've probably got a case of tiny wang-bone.

A final word to the wise guys: don't insult your date, give her a wink and a nudge, and shrug it off like it was just a way to flirt. That's not a way to impress her, or make her think you're better than you really are, and it's definitely not a way to keep healthy conversation alive.

I mean, one shot can be funny, two might even bring a wall down, but take enough at me and I'll be aiming right back with my knee to your balls. And what kind of injury would I be giving if I didn't add the extra "just teasin" wink and a "right back atcha" finger-gun as I walk the hell out the door?

Dan's wisdom for the day

On working and life in general:

Try to keep your talk to action ratio relatively even.

A good reason to wake up early.

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live ...." (Thoreau)

Ad-nauseam

Thank goodness for the much needed break. My brain needs a breather. And a refill.

Overheard on the singles' circuit

"So, what brings you fine ladies to Atlanta? Business? Family? ... Financial endeavors?"